9-Person Friend Group Surprisingly Well-Adjusted and Free from Hatred
Love Wins!
Since January, the 9-person friend group has been regarded as an endangered species. As the previous year’s freshmen fan out and start making friends with people they actually like instead of just the people immediately around them, biologists say that the large-scale friend group has lost its ecological niche. However, one freshman year friend group has continued. And, despite everything, they’re actually all still friends.
“Yeah, I love my friends. Is there something wrong with that?” freshman biology major Mae Kemp told our correspondent. Since OnIowa week, she’s been in a group chat with nine people, which has cycled through seventeen names and zero members (as of last week, the group chat is named ‘they sign on my guy til I Burge🍆👀’).
Since the friend group’s foundation, the nine members have had dinner together most weekdays, helped one member quit smoking, and supported another through his parents’ divorce. No friend group members have become entangled in whirlwind romances, nor do they plan to. While neighbors report lots of laughing and loud conversation from Mae’s dorm room, they don’t report any vicious argument or behind-the-back shade throwing.
“I really thought they’d start hating each other so I could get a good night’s sleep,” Charlie Bigboy, Mae’s neighbor told us, “And when that wasn’t happening, I got fed up and asked them to quiet down. And, it’s kinda crazy, they were really nice, and they did. I’m really afraid I might become the tenth member.”
“My friends really helped me become a better person,” friend group member Thaddeus Chudlet told us. “Before moving here, I was in a lot of really bad spaces with really bad ideas. But I’ve been doing a lot better, and now I’m really seeing a future for myself. And it’s not in the military.”
Early reports suggest that the Office of Admissions is planning to hire the members of the 9-person friend group as the official “multicultural friend group” for their promotional photos. So, hang onto those friends of yours from freshman year. They might just get your liberal-arts-ass a job some day.