Affirmations For Valentine's Day

Happy day before Valentine’s Day, readers! Valentine’s Day is the most special day ever. We could not leave you without some solid affirmations for this day of love, pretending it’s not love, and overconsumption! #doilywiththeassist.

For those of you with dates, well good for you cassanova, and for those of you without a date, wow. That’s embarrassing… maybe keep that to yourself *cough* loser. Either way, these affirmations are sure to guarantee you, and only you, a fantastic V-Day!! Best of luck, Allergens.

I WILL shower, and I WILL wear deodorant.

Starting off nice and easy. Because you know what’s sexy? Deodorant. You know what’s even sexier? Wearing deodorant and showering.

I will NOT tell my talking stage I love her.

A good rule, especially if you don’t even know her last name. Maybe… Smith? Johnson..? I’m sure there are so many other things you could say. Maybe start by asking her a question about herself? You’ve been talking this whole time. Maybe the best way to show your love is to ask her a question? We recommend “How was your day?” Pretty entry-level. Good for guys just getting into questions.

I will NOT trip and subsequently biff it in front of my crush.

That would be SOOOO embarrassing. Like just pack it up right then and there. Extra, extra, very bad if you do so on T. Ann Cleary. Sorry, not very helpful. If you do trip and subsequently biff it, consider this the perfect moment to serenade your crush with the Teen Beach Movie hit song “Falling For Ya”. Who wouldn’t want that???

I WILL sneak up behind my crush, cover their eyes, and say “Guess Who!”

Because who doesn’t love a good surprise? Flowers and chocolates are so overdone! This however, is so underdone. You should be the one to bring it back. What better place to start than your ten-person discussion in sexy Macbride Hall?

I will NOT layer my Dior Sauvage Eau de Toilette and Old Spice Swagger body gel.

This lethal combination has not been approved by the FDA and certainly hasn’t been approved by us.

Unless of course you’re looking to sabotage your date. If so, this is the move for you. Reminding her of every single ex-boyfriend would surely do it! If she doesn’t pass out first.

I WILL make it everyone’s problem that I am single.

And I mean everyone. Especially your friends in happy relationships. Why should they get to be all happy? Yuck!! Bah, humbug!! You’re amazing. It’s not your fault. Valentine’s Day is SO overrated anyway. Who would even want that? Want to be appreciated. Seen. Cared for. In love. Certainly not these authors! Yuck!!! Lock in!!!

It’s TOTALLY normal to eat ice cream in the shower and cry.

Sometimes you just gotta devour a freezer-burned cardboard carton of Churn™ Homemade Vanilla premium ice cream in the Currier communal stall showers. Turn on some Adele and have a good wail.

I will NOT “Happy Valentine’s Day” my way back into my exes’ lives.

As tempting as it may be, it’s best to refrain. Post Valentine’s Day clarity is real.

I will NOT grope women at the Elrays stoplight party.

Surprisingly, groping is NOT sexy! Although this may come as a bit of a shock to some, our expert sources have confirmed this to be true!

We promise to report the news, even the really shocking stuff, even if it isn’t easy. This is super easy though. It’s called a dance floor, not a grope floor! Ha! Glad we could clear that up.

I will NOT wear yellow to the Elrays stoplight party.

Please. You have no business wearing yellow. It’s not “complicated”. Take out those shoe lifts. Call your mother, and tell her you love her.

I will NOT get back on Hinge.

No you won’t! You certainly will not. Thou shalt not go there. Though shalt not go to the app store and re-download that evil app.

I WILL meet cute.

You will have a precious and sweet meet-cute with the future love of your life. It will happen, just like the movies. It’s Valentine’s Day after all!

Sweet allergens, we Doilyers wish you the most wonderful Valentine’s Day. We appreciate all you sweeties, and we love you so very much. We hope you enjoyed this silly article, and we hope you enjoy your day. Take time to treat yoursel,f angel, you deserve it. And stay far far away from the Elrays stoplight party.

Affectionately yours,

The Doily Allegren