Bar Crawl Window Shortened To 56 Minutes

In a widely forecasted but still despicable move, LineLeap has moved to shorten the St. Patrick’s Day bar crawl to 56 minutes. The change comes shortly after they reduced the window from basically all day to 4-9 pm. The Leprechaun Crawl will now be hosted from 5:24 pm to 6:20 pm, only at The Box.

We spoke with Matt Anderson, one of many disgruntled crawlers, about the “bar crawl.”

DA: On a scale of 1-10, how angry are you at the reduction in hours?

MA: Like, fucking 50, bro. I’m paying basically $10,000 for a shirt and you’re telling me it’s only good at The Box for, like, half an hour? How the fuck am I supposed to puke in a random bush, harass women who are just trying to have fun, and make all my friends hate me if I can’t even drink while I’m out?

DA: You could pregame? Try to make the most of the opportunity?

MA: What’s the point of calling it a pregame if the pregame is literally nine times longer than the crawl? I want to drink from 8 am to 2 am! This is my fucking excuse! I love standing around in bars that are so crowded you can’t turn around, and I love spilling my cheap $13 drink all over everyone! I love being sticky and sweaty all fucking day! I love blacking out halfway through the crawl and puking all over the bartop! I love making a giant mess in Pancheros at 2 am and yelling at my friend, even though he’s two inches away from my face! If you ask me, this is an affront to my longtime status as a patron of the Iowa City bars, and I will become a single-issue voter in the midterms to make this bullshit fucking illegal.

Well, there you have it, folks! The people are not happy. To those of you still crawling after this horrifying change, we wish you well and we’ll see you at The Box!