Barbara Wilson Designates Sunset Club as Terrorists

In the wake of the shocking revelation that the alleged murderer in Charlie Kirk’s brutal assassination may have enjoyed watching sunsets, University of Iowa President Barbara J. Wilson has moved to designate the Hawkeye Sunset Club as a terrorist organization.

Last week the President directed the campus police’s investigation bureau to designate Sunset Club members and supporters as “Sunset Ideology-Inspired Violent Extremists,” or SIVEs, in order to “detect, disrupt, and dismantle SIVE cells.” SIVE will be listed as a subset of “Twilightistic Violent Extremism,” a recently added threat category.

According to Wilson, Kirk’s murder is but one of many violent terror attacks committed by SIVEs in recent memory. Examples of purported local SIVE actions include the removal of the piss rock, the blocking off of downtown streets from traffic this past weekend, and hiking up pricing on the meal plans. However, some researchers suggest that each of these actions were actually committed by agents of the university itself.

Nonetheless, President Wilson has held firm.

“A disproportionate number of disturbing acts, not only on the campus of The University of Iowa but across the nation, are the alleged work of sunset extremists and their followers,” she wrote in a statement released yesterday. “It is my duty as POTUI to eliminate this threat and restore order and dignity to our campus.”