Big Pot of Communal Stew Set to Replace Burge Dining Hall
In a stunning upgrade to on-campus dining, University Housing & Dining announced on Tuesday that Burge Dining Hall has been replaced by one (1) massive and glorious pot of communal stew, a move students have started calling “the most flavorful thing Burge has ever served.”
Unlike Burge’s previous offerings, notorious for being best consumed only after signing a liability waiver, the Stew has been described as “reliable,” “nutritionally ambiguous,” and “less likely to upset your stomach.”
The pot’s ingredient list, which grows each day, has earned much admiration from survivors of the Burge cuisine.
Some students have already begun referring to the pot as “The Mother Stew,” leaving offerings such as seasoning packets and old silverware at the base of the pot. Overall, early reviews are glowing.
According to Housing & Dining, replacing Burge was an obvious choice. “We realized it made no sense to keep pretending we could cook,” an anonymous chef told us. “The pot does most of the work for us, and frankly, it tastes better than anything our industrial machinery has been putting out for the past decade.”
University officials hope the communal stew will bring students together, partly through shared meals, and partly through shared gastrointestinal resilience.
“As a proud Burge patron I was forced to develop an iron stomach,” said sophomore Timothy Robertson, sipping from his ladle. “This stew is the first thing I’ve eaten on campus that didn’t inspire immediate fear. It’s beautiful.”
The pot is expected to remain a permanent fixture. Meanwhile, Burge Dining Hall will be memorialized with a plaque honoring its legacy of “culinary experimentation” and the brave students who lived to tell the tale.