Billy La Bufanda in Epstein Files: "Not Trump," says Trump Administration

¿Dónde estaba Billy? Allegedly, the Island.

According to a recent White House statement, famed educational Spanish-speaking scarf Billy La Bufanda has been extensively found within the Epstein files.

The White House Statement asserts that Señor Bufanda is an illegal alien sexual deviant, supported by his “anti-family-values” polyamous relationship with Las Botas Rosadas and “foreign” language (Spanish with a clearly American accent). While Señor Bufanda does not have American citizenship, it is only because the government does not grant any type of legal status to articles of clothing. Additionally, despite their emotional history, Señor Bufanda has not been confirmed to have had intimate relations with either of Las Botas.

Señor Bufanda is currently being held in maximum security custody for his alleged crimes, they’re not the fun ones you learn how to say in high school Spanish, like “vender drogas”. When told that Billy La Bufanda is literally just a scarf with sunglasses that teaches children basic Spanish, facility ICE agents responded: “Does it look like we care?”

Señor Bufanda’s legal team is calling for his immediate release. “Billy is a scarf. He canonically does not have eyes, a mouth, or the ability to go anywhere or do anything,” Señor Bufanda’s lawyer, El Gorro, told Doily. “It is impossible he went to Epstein’s island, unless someone, such as the current president of the United States, took him there.”

A whistleblower source claims that the DOJ simply command+F’d the Epstein files for Trump’s name and replaced it with the first Spanish-speaking person or anthropomorphic scarf they could think of. Doily has been unable to fact check this statement, but between you and me, that’s totally what happened.