BREAKING: Barbara Wilson Reveals Death Doula Side-Hustle Amid Canvas Chaos

Had to Pay the Shinyhunters Bounty Somehow

In the wake of the Instructure hacks, University President Barbara Wilson has declared a side-hustle as a death doula as a means to acquire additional funding. Sources say she began this second career within the last year, elaborating that “the economy has been hella [sic] tough for everyone.”

This money has been put to good use: allowing the University to pay the IT specialists responsible for making Canvas available to students during this final stretch of the semester.

Wilson has been receiving neutral-to-positive reviews for her doula services. In addition to in-person consultations and exercises, she sends vague, PR-mediated—but ostensibly encouraging—emails. An anonymous client wrote to us saying, “I wouldn’t prepare for my timely demise any other way.”

More on this story as it develops.