Daum “Ass Grass” Kills Student
Within the first couple weeks of classes, tragedy has already struck campus. The university, in its infinite wisdom, has made the devastating decision to continue planting the worst smelling grass known to mankind. Oh, and I guess it killed someone.
You might have caught a fresh whiff of its stink in front of Daum Residence Hall. This unidentified plant has been known to smell like cilantro, but like if you decided to slow-cook it in the sun for a couple weeks and let horses fertilize all over it in the meantime.
The deceased, a freshman residing in Daum (whose friends and next-of-kin wish to remain anonymous out of hope this will not be their loved one’s legacy) was caught by the plant’s absolutely rank odor in the peak of daylight. The sun baked the scent—so atrocious only the worst of Gingkos could dream of reaching it—into a cloud so thick it immediately caused the student’s throat to clog and choke on it.
“The worst part of all of this is that they weren’t even allergic,” the student’s roommate testified, “not to any plants or the season or anything. They didn’t even have the soap gene! It just smelled that bad.”
Returning students may recall this plant, whose malodor appears to return and haunt campus each fall. Previous students have gone missing in the search to identify the accursed plant, whose stench permeates every nose it touches within a 20-foot radius.
Concerned groups have warned the student body to plug their noses in preparation for the stink. Affected areas include Daum’s front entrance, Papajohn Business Building’s wall facing the Newman Center, and the entrance of Hancher. In response, waves of COVID have been contracted as defense against the smell.
Rumors of a study offering hundreds of dollars in exchange for willing noses to sniff out the stench have circulated campus, but may be an elaborate scam that feeds unwitting students to the ass grass. Remain wary and keep your nose prepared. Do not let the stench claim you, and you may survive until its winter slumber.
If concerned, please contact the appropriate counseling services, known independent investigators, or share your ass grass story. May we live through this reign of scented terror.