Every year, mystics, psychics, and astrologists take time out of their very busy schedules of divination, mind-reading, and asking what your birthday is to attend the Iowa Metaphysical Expo. The event takes place on the Johnson County Fairgrounds in Iowa City: a place chock full of spiritual energy.
Allegedly, there have been sightings of supernatural phenomena during the expo over the years, but no non-mystic has ever corroborated these claims. “Supernatural expiss, more like!” says Jeff Hog, a local Hog enthusiast and scientist.
However, this year, something was different. In contrast to most years’ fairly sparse crowd, this year had an overabundance of cinema majors. A large group of beanies and skinny jeans surrounded one person, who was talking very loudly, very distinctly…
“PLEASE SEND ME BACK TO THE VOID!” The voice of the late filmmaker David Lynch echoed through the crowd. “My spirit has been shackled to this faulty marionette by a bunch of amateur magicians!”
In the corner, said magicians snickered. When we asked about why they would place David Lynch’s soul into a wooden carving of him, the Wand Grimoire of the Magicians Association responded, “It’s really just a good prank. I mean, come on, we totally got him, he’s fucking pissed.”
After the festivities were winding down, the Doily finally got to interview the man himself. Here’s a full transcript:
The Doily Allergen: How do you feel about being reanimated, Mr. Lynch?
David Lynch: BAD! I am in extreme pain, the likes of which I thought was not possible.
DA: Cool! So what inspired you to make Twin Peaks?
Lynch: I have seen beings that would make the greatest philosophers of our world gouge out their eyes and pray for death. I have seen them, and the only way to get them to stop following me around was to trap them in the media of film. Twin Peaks was actually originally a romcom, but the spirits had other plans.
DA: Wow! Who would have known? Anyway, why did the Eraserhead baby look like that?
Lynch: Oh, that was just how my son came out, so I thought I’d just use him in the movie.
DA: [Laughs]
Lynch: [Laughs]
DA: Alright, well, we really have no other questions for you, so we hope your journey back to the ether is enjoyable!
Lynch: It never is!
A moment later, the puppet that contained Lynch’s soul burst with light streaming from its eyes and mouth. He raised his arms, and in a flash, the puppet crumpled to the ground, once again lifeless.
While we would love to say that Lynch would be able to rest forever peacefully, we believe his soul will be the subject of many more pranks in the coming years.