Dear Doily: AITA For Banishing my “Roommate” from my “Goon Cave”?
I’m Wondering If I’ve Gone Too Far This Time
拝啓 (Dear) Doily-sama,
I (26 M) am a very private person. I’m an only child, so I’ve lived by myself for my whole life, and I’m very used to having my own space. I’ve always been quiet and more of an indoors person.
I took a few gap years after finishing high school while I figured out what I wanted to do with my limitless possibilities. I ended up deciding on Computer Science, since I’ve always wanted to make my own video games, with a minor in Asian Languages and Literature, emphasizing Japanese, since I want to live in Japan one day. My family has been very proud and supportive of this decision, so they’ve offered to pay my tuition and costs, along with a $500 monthly allowance for me to save or spend, to improve my skills with money. However, despite my protests, they agreed that it would be best for me to live in the dorms with a roommate for my first year.
My “roommate” (19 M), who I put in air quotes because he was almost never around until recently, is very different from me. He’s very social, and while I initially thought we would connect over our shared interest in Asian culture, it quickly became clear to me that his interest in anime was limited to entry-level work like Cowboy Bebop and Ghost in the Shell, with little interest in hidden gems like I Became a Gardener with 100 Girlfriends in Another World or My Little Sister Can’t Be This Cute.
In the early days, he would often bring people over to watch films (he’s in Nursing, but has a film minor) and play board games, but I asked him to stop, as I felt they were intruding on my personal space. He seemed sympathetic and agreed, and asked if we could work out a schedule, where he could have some time with the room. Since all of my friends are online, and, again, I’m a very private person, I felt a little attacked, and refused. He seemed upset, but after a long explanation from me about my life and needs, said that he could work something out and didn’t bring it up again.
Over time, my “roommate” stopped being around. He got a girlfriend, who I initially feared he would bring over and flaunt to me, but this turned out to be a blessing in disguise, as he began to stay over at her place often. In his absence, I decided to make the room my own. When I ran out of room for clothes and decorations, I began putting things on the floor. Since he wasn’t using his desk, I started placing my anime figures there (not much room on my desk with my triple monitor surround sound setup), and I covered our walls with traditional Japanese art and anime posters (I figured he would actually like this, since he claims to be an artist). I wouldn’t have done all this if he were here often, but, again, he only really came back to sleep.
A month into the spring semester, my “roommate” started being around more and more. He demanded I move my figures off his desk, and that I move some of my clothes to make space for his in the closet. When I asked why the sudden change, he confessed that he’d broken up with his girlfriend recently, and that he was going to be around more. Ever since, he’s been extremely rude to me, moving my belongings without consent and playing music loudly while I practice Japanese or, as I will explain more about later, masturbate.
About a week ago, my “roommate” came to me, looking extremely aggressive and irate. I bowed to him (as it is a sign of respect in many countries), even though I had no reason to do so after his recent actions. He demanded that I clean up the room by myself (even though we agreed to split responsibilities at the start of the year), start going to bed at midnight, and stop staying in the room all the time. Then, he began sex-shaming me, saying I turned the room into my “goon cave” and that if I didn’t stop masturbating, he would bring it to the university.
I was, of course, shocked by this and didn’t really understand how to respond. I calmly explained to my “roommate” that this was my space as well as his, and that putting all of the responsibility for the room on me after being absent from the room for so long was unfair. I particularly objected to his characterization of my sexual habits, which seemed much too personal. Though it’s nobody’s business, I don’t actually masturbate that much: only three times a day, with a longer session in the evening sometimes before I go to bed. Masturbation is, of course, healthy and normal, but my “roommate” framed it in such a negative light.
After this incident of harassment, I consulted my Heian period texts, devised a mystic Japanese seal to bar my “roommate” entry to our dorm, and pasted it to our door, with an explanation in English for his uncultured mind. I did this for my own safety. However, I’m wondering if I’ve gone too far this time. Was I the asshole here?
敬具 (Sincerely),
Iowa-san
Dear Iowa-san
NTA. Your goon cave, your rules.
Your Truly,
The Doily Allergen