Dear Doily: Do You Hear That Beeping?

Dear Doily,

I have been a proud Daum resident for many years now. I lived here my freshman year when it was honors housing, and even though they have let the riff raff that makes up the rest of the school live here too, I haven’t wanted to leave.

I don’t care if that makes me the weird senior who has lived in the dorm all four years. I don’t even mind eating alone at the dining hall every day because all my friends live in apartments like normal people. I am willing to do whatever it takes to stay here. What I do care about is this insane beeping sound that will not leave me be.

Let me set the scene. A few weeks ago, Daum resident hall (the best place ever to live) had its fire alarms go off in the middle of the night. No fire was found and no one fessed up to doing my baby dirty by pulling it, so we all went to bed.

However, the next night, in the middle of the night, it went off again! I rushed to grab my prized possessions (my limited edition Doily stickers and illegal prints I made of my favorite articles) and ran my little legs back outside.

I was surprised, however, to find that my fellow fifth hall residents were nowhere in sight. Being the hero that I was, I braved my way back into the building to save them, only to find that the alarm was no longer going off!

I went to bed that night perplexed and figured this was the end of my folly, but it was only the beginning. Every night since, I have tucked myself into my bed and been woken up by this ungodly sound. I’ve begun to fear bedtime. And what if the alarm eventually goes off again and it’s a real fire? How will I save my prized Doily merch?

I don’t know how much longer I can do this. I’m losing friends. I don’t feel safe in my beloved Daum anymore. I tried staying awake all night but then I fell asleep during my class. As the only news source on campus, you’re the only one I can turn to.

Please help,

Beep Won’t Sleep

---

Dear Beep Won’t Sleep,

We would like to start by thanking you for your dedication to our work. Now, this is quite the predicament you have found yourself in. Have you considered that the beeping is a deep-seated guilt you have that is slowly driving you mad? Your obsession with Daum is quite intense. Did you perhaps do unspeakable things to guarantee your spot there each year? We recommend prying up your floorboards or, better yet, prying open your smoke alarm to find whatever you have hidden there. Just remember: coming clean is for cowards and sleep is for the weak.

Yours truly,

The Doily Allergen