Dear Doily: Does the Iowa City Public Library Like Me Back?

Dear Doily,

How does one begin to describe my peculiar situation? How does one begin to wax poetic on the scintillating nature of such an intelligent creature? She’s captured my attentions since the first day I laid eyes on her.

My days are spent exploring her, wishing I could ever fully know her. My nights are barren, save only for the gifts she gives me: great minds she must admire, that pale in comparison to her. I was left with three books, through which I can only speculate on her intentions. Richard Siken’s Crush, The Great Gatsby, and a DVD copy of He’s Just Not That Into You. Am I her exception, as depicted in the film? Or will I be lovelorn, forever yearning for my American dream?

I’ll just come out and say it. You’ve probably already guessed: I am, of course, referring to the Iowa City Public Library.

I tried and tried to get to know her better. I wanted to see her in a way that the common man does not, but sadly, all of her secrets are behind keycard-only locked doors. I want to know it all. The skeletons in her closet, the ways she acquires new literature, what kind of people support her… There is a dedicated staff of talented people keeping her at peak performance, and I understand them. They love her just as I do. I could not possibly get in the way of their importance, but how can I get her alone like this? Well, I devised something of a plan. I cannot play these games any longer.

You see, my darling ICPL (that’s my little pet name) has two different external book drops. I crafted a handwritten note inside the cover of Crush asking if she would accompany me to an upcoming benefit. I dropped it into the chute. Logistics be damned, I can bring a building and she’s going to look better in an evening gown than any human woman could.

For days I’ve been waiting to receive her reply. Crush has yet to return to the shelves, so I know she’s seen it. Her automatic doors seem colder to me.

What should I do? I shall never love another. My heart is on the precipice of breaking. My only comfort is the splendid copy of “All About Love” I put on hold.

Sincerely,

Dewey Decimated

Dear Dewey Decimated,

There are tons of fish in the sea, and you’re a total catch! Any girl would be lucky to–what? What’s that? They’re talking about the public library? But we asked first, we were supposed to... Oh, never mind.

Dewey, we don’t think ICPL likes you back. She probably, definitely likes somebody else. So you should probably stop getting in that other building or person’s way. After all, when it comes to matters of the heart, ICPL has flourishing 616, 152.41, and 540 sections. (That’s the heart, affection, and chemistry. You’d know that if you ACTUALLY knew her like some people do.)

When you’re getting mixed signals, you know the drill. Stop, drop, and move on. IF you see her with someone else, know that she experiences constant foot traffic on the daily, many of which are completely platonic book lovers.

The great thing about being in love with a building (not that we would know) is that you’re just one of thousands of her admirers. It’s only weird to keep using her free, public services such as Internet access, the Digital Media Lab, or any number of programs if you make it weird.

Besides, we hear the Bookmobile isn’t seeing anyone. Try your luck there!

Yours Truly,

The Doily Allergen