Dear Doily: I Love Throwing Things at the Marching Band!!!
Dear Doily,
It’s my favorite time of the year: school is getting into swing, the air is cooling (slightly), and we have an amazing football team we look forward to watching lose every week! I go to sleep every night and I dream of our home football games, counting down the days until I can be in Kinnick Stadium and THROW THINGS AT THE NERDS!!
That’s right! While most Hawkeyes love going to games to see big muscly men tackle each other, I only go to THROW things at the music kids! I mean, they look so stupid in their weird hats carrying thousands of dollars' worth of equipment, it just makes me want to chuck a half-drunk soda at them!
My fellow game-goers know the thrill, the rush, of hitting a drum major in the back of the head with nacho cheese sauce. All those boos and hot dogs being thrown at the field “accidentally” hitting the band were ACTUALLY ON PURPOSE!
My friends and I look like we’re booing the other team or a bad call, but it’s actually just an excuse to hate on the nerds! I don’t even like football! I can’t stand the sport! I only go to chuck beers at the DORKS in feathers! I live for the fear I instill in the Hawkeye Marching Band’s faces!
Sincerely,
Lover of Throwing Things at the Marching Band.
Dear Lover of Throwing Things at the Marching Band,
Thank you for writing to us with such– erm– enthusiasm about your hobby. It was very brave of you to admit to that. We hope you get the help you so desperately need.
Yours Truly,
The Doily Allergen