Dear Doily: I'm Pro-Global Warming Because Look How Nice It Is Outside
Dear Doily,
Let me preface: I’m not pro-climate change. I can’t argue that it isn’t bad for more people to die in natural disasters and all that. However, there are many facets to climate change, and I am in favor of one of them: Global warming.
Just look around you and notice how lovely it’s been outside lately. We’re halfway through September, and yet the sun is shining, the nights are warm, and the plants are in full bloom. That would all be changing right now, were it not for my friend global warming.
Do you even remember the last truly harsh winter? Individual storms, maybe, which may be getting more common, but the season as a whole is never too difficult anymore. Face it: Every season except summer is nicer than it was in our parents’ generation, and they’re getting nicer still. You might argue that summer getting worse is bad, but would you rather have one nice season and three bad ones, or three nice seasons and one bad one? I know what I’d choose.
The fact of the matter is that global warming is helping us more than it’s hurting us, even if nobody loves its uncomfortable ally, climate change. If we could find out some way to separate the two, that would be just perfect. Keep the warmth, kill the pollutants.
But if supporting coal and carbon dioxide is what I have to do to keep supporting global warming, then by golly, I’ll do it.
Love,
Isn’t It Nice Out?
Dear Isn’t It Nice Out?,
We’re in full agreement. Sure, some people might complain that they “like the cold” and “there are other, far worse consequences of the global temperature rise” and “global warming is directly responsible for the rest of climate change,” but they’re deluding themselves. The sun is out and we feel fucking awesome!!!!!
Yours Truly,
The Doily Allergen