Dear Doily: Iowa HotGuys? Where?

Dear Doily,

My parents met at the University of Iowa, so when I got to campus I thought I’d meet the love of my life. My mom told me—at the very least—that I’d have fun and date around, but I don’t think that’s happening anytime soon. I was under the impression that the term “Iowa HotGuys” meant that there were attractive men around Iowa City. That could not be any further from the truth.

Every Tuesday and Thursday I am visually assaulted by a guy who lingers after class waiting for me to notice him. He usually spends most of class time gazing at me. I think he has a staring problem. I’ve talked to him and he’s nice and all, but he also looks like an alien who snuck onto Earth. Not to be shallow, but I know I can do so much better.

I’ve tried the apps, but they are full of frat boys with a full-on beer belly or men below six feet holding a fish half their size. Every time I go on a Hinge date with a decent-looking guy, I always ask to compare forehead sizes with each other. This is so I can see if his hairline is receding. The men can try being deceptive all they want underneath their hair and hats, but they are always BALDING!

As for meeting someone at night while going out, it’s all just Benson Boone doppelgängers or short kings that look like they would get stepped on by all the clubbers. Let’s just say that mullets and mustaches are not my type, and I don’t want it to look like I could stomp on my boyfriend. I hate to say it, but all these men are so damn ugly.

The lack of sexy men on campus is evident. Even the IMU Herky is more attractive than these thin-lipped twigs. Have you seen the glutes on that statue? #NeedThat.

I don’t want to give up hope, but I’ve started looking into study abroad programs. I’m just disillusioned because the amount of hotties at the University of Iowa wasn’t what I thought it was.

Sincerely,

Disillusioned and Still Searching

Dear Disillusioned and Still Searching,

Your statements are completely valid. The “Hot Guy” mythos of the University of Iowa has created disappointment all throughout Iowa City. Somebody should tell RAYGUN about their false advertising. We’re sorry to learn about your pain and want you to never settle for anyone less than dreamy. Hopefully, you can try some of our advice:

• Get outside of Iowa City! May we suggest hanging around the Coralville GNC and looking lost and a little confused?

• There’s plenty of fish in the sea! Join a large nationwide student organization and attend conferences so you can meet hotties out of state.

• Would you consider the stunning Iowa women?

As for the study abroad thing, we totally understand. We hear that Paris is lovely during the spring semester.

Yours Truly,

The Doily Allergen