Dear Doily: My friend is studying abroad next semester. How can I make this about me?
Dear Doily,
My hands are trembling as I write this, but I need you to understand — I have no other options left. My usual support systems have been shattered, and the knife is too far lodged into my back to reach. You may be wondering what my dilemma is… Did I fail a midterm? Receive a dreaded “hey girlie” DM? Get mono from a TKE brother? Oh, if only! I wish my problems were so trivial.
I was just informed by one of my “friends” that he is planning to study abroad next semester. And to make matters worse, this isn’t just any Joe-Shmo friend of mine… He’s the hang-out dorm friend. HOW COULD HE DO THIS TO ME??? TO US????? It’s like he failed to even consider me when he made this decision.
What could he possibly be looking for that he can’t find in Iowa City?
A million random churches? Check!
An overpriced coffee shop on every street corner? Check!
Museums stocked with stolen artifacts! Check (out the Stanley Art Museum)!
Doily, I just don’t understand. He claims he “wants new experiences,” but what could possibly top late nights at Uncle Suns and the thrill of a 3 am fire alarm? I feel abandoned, betrayed, and worst of all, socially displaced. Please, help me make sense of this treachery before I spiral into friendship unemployment.
Begrudgingly betrayed,
Hill-crestfallen
Dear Hill-crestfallen,
You are so #valid. I, too, once suffered a friend’s semester-long betrayal to “find themselves” abroad (spoiler: they “discovered” public transportation and an inflated sense of cultural superiority).
But let’s look at this rationally — clearly, he isn’t going abroad for adventure or education. He’s going to hurt you personally. Every tapas he eats? A slap in your face. Every ride on the ol’ gondola? A plea for attention. Every “omg the Wi-Fi here sucks” text? A coded taunt.
That being said, you can’t let him win. You must rebuild. Find new companions to gossip with in the dining hall. Start saying unhinged things in random GroupMe’s until someone else adopts you. Take up a new hobby (I suggest stalking your hot professor on all socials, or, if you get desperate enough, becoming weirdly passionate about the Iowa Rowing team). Transform your pain into purpose: making him jealous as hell.
And, if all else fails, you can always hide his passport!
Yours Truly,
Doily Allergen