Dear Doily: The Whiteboard Next Door Has Funnier Jokes. Should I Kill Myself?
Dear Doily,
Fuuuuuck. They got me. Their whiteboard is so good. Should I do it? Should I jump out of my one-inch window opening? Should I jump down the Catlett elevator shaft? I can’t do this, dude. Fuuuuuuck. Doily, dude, their whiteboard is SO good. They wrote WE ARE HAVING SEX on it yesterday. THAT’S SO FUNNY!!!! FUCK!!!! People keep erasing mine!!! What should I do? I can’t decide between killing myself instantly right now in the privacy of my completely unfunny dorm, or doing it in front of them so they’ll see what their dastardly, genius, perfect sense of humor has done to me. They fucking got me. It’s so fucking over.
Sincerely,
Freshman with Hall Decor Ambitions
Dear Freshman with Hall Decor Ambitions,
Our mental health resources are large and vast. We hear you– we know the first year can be TOUGH, but SO ARE YOU! It’s never too late to quit school so they’ll never look you in the eye again. You should not kill yourself but you do suck. Like, really bad. Like, we’re embarrassed for you.
MAKING CONNECTIONS is a great way to avoid losing so hard. Try joining a club! We hear Unfunny Nerds has an opening this semester, but they’re application-only. You are strong! Every life matters. Where would we be without dipshits, posers, and people who can’t even come up with a good whiteboard poll? Maybe call your mom. She misses you. She’s thinking about making your lunches, listening to stories that are only boring because you’re telling them, and tucking you in at night.
Have the courage to ask for help. Bus tickets, registration withdrawals, telling your roommate you’re moving out, and asking for your high school job back ALL require some gumption and initiative. You should be alone, but you aren’t! Use that!
Take our advice. Either way, it’s gonna be a LONG semester.
Yours Truly,
The Doily Allergen