Dear Doily: Which FilmScene Theater is Best for Sensual Porking?

Dear Doily,

My partner and I are big fans of independent cinema and even bigger fans of… each other. Recently, we got into a bit of a tussle over which FilmScene location offers the most “romantic” vibe – if you catch my drift.

Hypothetically speaking, if two well-behaved moviegoers were to linger after the credits – simply to discuss the film’s emotional complexities and draft lengthy Letterboxd reviews, of course – which location offers the most… clandestine ambiance?

Please get back ASAP,
Concession Stand Casanova

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Dear Concession Stand Casanova,

Our lawyers have insisted that we begin my response with an “Anti-Horndog Advisory”:

The Doily Allergen is not responsible for your Emerald Fennel-esque acts of sexual debauchery nor any repercussions that may come from your actions. The only thing that should be getting fingered at a screening is a well-worn program guide.

Okay, so now that that’s out of the way… let’s discuss.

At FilmScene at The Chauncey, you’re dealing with larger theaters, excessive windows, and just enough post-screening bustle to make prolonged loitering both conspicuous and deeply unsexy. Nothing kills romance like an usher politely asking if you’ve lost something under Row D or a granny trying to squeeze past you on her 14th trip to the restroom.

Meanwhile, FilmScene at the Ped Mall has that cozy, small-town, “we barely survived three nonprofit funding scares” charm. Intimate? Yes. Clandestine? Not especially. The rooms are small, the crowds are alert, and someone will clock your rendezvous.

Now, a gentle but firm reminder: movie theaters are for movies. The only climax that should occur is narrative. The only tension? Cinematic. The only heavy breathing? From someone who sprinted in late because they couldn’t find the Ped Mall entrance

Yours truly,
The Doily Allergen