Dining Hall First Date Obviously Not Going Well
UIowa Student Marco Cavazos Invites the Doily Allergen to Eavesdrop on His Dining Hall First Date
Since the semester started, Marco Cavazos has gone on a total of twenty-two dates, averaging one date approximately every three days. Unfortunately, not a single one of his dates have turned into second dates, begging the question: why? With Marco mic’d up and ready for his twenty-third date, we, the Doily Allergen, will attempt to solve this mystery as we dive head-first into Marco’s love life, discovering the reasons for his failures.
Burge Dining Hall, a scenic picture with the sun leaking in during golden hour; a seat by the windows; white rice, tofu, chicken, and asparagus with a slushie to wash it down; across from Marco is a vacant seat: the perfect setup for a dining hall first date.
She arrives fashionably late, plate in hand saying, “Heyy, sorry I’m late. How are you doing?” A good sign.
Marco responds with “Oh, it doesn’t matter…that you’re late. I’m doing good, how are you?” She responds with a quick “Good.”
Before this date, Marco told the Doily Allergen that his dates would typically fizzle out into long stretches of awkward silence, resulting in no text back afterwards. Can he overcome his lack of substance? Perhaps there is something more sinister in his spirit–a blank spot–that, once revealed, turns women off.
The conversation leaps into talks of family at first, each date spilling characteristics and memories about their loved ones and how they have been shaped by them. They discover that both of their families are fragmented, divorced. They spiral deeper into a tree of topics: friends, philosophy, politics. They connect instantly on a deep, personal level, and there are no signs of the conversation ending anytime soon.
Originally, we had mic’d up Marco to uncover the reasons for college dating failures, but it seems that Marco has broken the mold. Maybe the twenty-third time will be the charm.
The conversation eventually bends and degrades into talks of grades and schoolwork, to which Marco boasts about his academic success this semester. “I do most of my work late on Saturday and Sunday so I can enjoy my week,” he says. On the other hand, his date admits that she is not doing so well academically, complaining about her chemistry class and how bad her last exam went. She calls his responsibility “hot.”
Perhaps what she lacks she sees in him, admires it, wants it—that is what the Doily writer hivemind collectively thinks as we eat only two tables away from the scene, stuffing our faces with ice cream because their date has lasted way too long. It was almost eight p.m. We were hungry again, okay?
A woman with a red face walks up to them mid-conversation, “Don’t go for him babes, he is a loser. He’s been on dates with so many other women this semester. Whatever he’s doing, he doesn’t really like you. He’s only doing this to make a point to himself.” The Doily writer hivemind collectively spit out their vanilla-chocolate Oreo ice cream at once and scribble in their notebooks.
Marco breaks into his hands and sighs loudly. The flustered woman walks away. He sits dormant. Silent. The woman across the table pierces her eyes into him.
“I don’t even know why I’m doing this,” says Marco’s date, “I’m not even in the right headspace to date right now. Period.” She sits and smiles softly, “This is funny,” she says. “Maybe this is a sign.”
Marco interrupts, “Can I be honest? I can’t even commit anyways. I just keep trying because…well I don’t know why. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I can’t even imagine being with one person. I–” Marco’s date gets up to leave.
The Doily hivemind stares in awe. She walks by and says to us, “Stop fucking watching us, you creeps.” It’s over. It’s done.
On the bright side, we at Doily have finally pinpointed the reasons for college dating failures. Through our analysis of conversation, we have deduced that commitment issues and looming temptation rank at the top of the list of reasons for college dating failures. Who said Doily can’t do real journalism?