Doily Allergen to Take Leave of Absence After Death of Five Writers
Today is a sad day for The Doily Allergen and its dedicated following. This morning saw the tragic passing of five of our writers, longstanding members and more recent hires alike, in five unconnected yet equally heartbreaking events. Grief-stricken as the rest of the staff is, we have elected to take a collective leave of absence for the next few months in order to process what has happened and prepare to return to our roles on the team.
For those among our readership who will take solace in knowing, we have published each writer’s cause of death below. Do not be alarmed by the details we share, for we repeat that there is no connection between any of these incidents. No evidence of foul play exists. Do not bring any suspicions to the authorities, for no such suspicions exist.
MK Shultz, Staff Writer: Passed away peacefully after a long battle with BTFA (Bob Too Fuck Ass) disease, bob pristinely fuck ass to the end.
Asher Novakovsky, Staff Writer: Drank too much milk and got a bad tummy ache. Proclaimed in their final breaths, “It was all worth it, for it was strawberry milk, and a single, solitary droplet of strawberry milk is and shall forever be worth my very life.”
Ev Walters, Editor: Died via anaphylactic shock triggered by a small, ornamental table napkin: the doily allergen itself. We may have to consider a name change for the paper after this PR (and personal) nightmare.
Byron López Ellington, Vice President: Mysteriously disappeared and instantly presumed dead upon the publication of this article. The relevant agencies have already investigated and determined that no investigation was necessary. Don’t check the byline.
D Will, President: Placed in a massive Rube Goldberg machine which transported her down a series of waterslides, automatically inked an entire awesome tattoo sleeve up her arm, sent her bumper-carring through a house of mirrors, tossed a pile of important legislative proposals into every office in Congress, and kicked her with a colossal cartoon boot so hard that she rocketed into orbit on a highly precise trajectory, shattering the entire SpaceX satellite array as she crashed through each and every one and finally twinkled off into the endless night sky.
You may send your sympathies to thedoilyallergen@gmail.com. No funerals will be held, for the bodies (with the exception of the two which have not been recovered) are under the private management of a special Doily Allergen trust out of fear of involving the public in such a non-suspicous string of, we repeat, unrelated deaths. Vigil date TBA.
We wish our readers well in this mournful time. Please take care of yourselves, and keep an eye out for our eventual return following this unexpected and certainly unplanned-for absence.