Doily Allergen Working for Krampus this Holiday Season

Get ready for some real and unbiased seasonal cheer!

‘Twas the night before finals, when all through the land
All creatures were stirring, in prep for exams;
The stockings were hung on the doorknobs with care,
In hopes that their roommates soon would be scarce;

The students were nestled all snug in their dread;
While 450 mg of caffeine danced in their heads;
And with my essays compounding, and empty my frappe,
I settled my brains for just a 10-minute nap,

When out on the Pentacrest there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my loft bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew off my ass,
Tore open the shutters and looked to the grass.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow,
Gave a lustre of midday to objects below,
When what to my wondering eyes did appear for this caper,
But a monstrous creature and the campus’s only real paper,
With a wicked figure whose fur was so thick,
I knew in a moment this was not St. Nick.

More rapid than eagles his minions they came,
And he whistled, and cackled, and called them by name:
“Now, Danny! Now, Byron! now Charlotte and Lucy!
On, Alex! on, Asher! on, Anna and Julie!
To the top of the Capitol! While the students yet snooze!
Now publish! publish! spread all the news!”

Scheming and teeming with devilish joy
The Doilyers began to concoct a new ploy;
So out through the campus, the minions they flew
With a bag full of papers, and Krampus there too—

He sprang to his work, to his team gave a whistle,
Whipping frat bros with the end of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, with a tongue like a snake—
“Wary Christmas to all! Doily returns after break!”