Dry January But Its Actually Just Talking To Your Hinge Matches

Dry January is a monthly challenge not unlike No-Shave November, but with no drinking, no patchy neckbeards, and no fun alliteration. The “dry” part traditionally refers to not drinking any alcoholic beverages the entire month (booooooooo).

A big part of doing Dry January is that it’s hard! I mean not drinking for a whole month?? Think of how many Marg Mondays, $2 Wells Tuesdays, Wing (and wells) Wednesdays, Thirsty Thursdays, Let’s get F*cked up Fridays, mug clubs, dollar drinks, and $5 huge beers at Bo James that is!

We recognize this is the University of Iowa, and a traditional DJ challenge would send many of you into psychosis, so we propose an alternative. We tried to match that same level of dryness and difficulty (staying sober for 31 days) by choosing something equally as bad. And it’s badddddd. Like it’s roughhhhhh.

Instead of abstaining from drinking this January, we’re diving headfirst into the barren wasteland affectionately known to many as Hinge, and engaging in eye-wateringly dry conversation, because we never back down from a challenge. What drove us to do this? Unsure! Maybe we were having too many real-life interactions with real-life people. Maybe winter break wasn’t stimulating enough. We don’t know. Whatever it was led us to our own personal hell conversing with the bright minds of niche Tinder.

Going sober might have cleared our (hive)mind, grounded us emotionally, and opened our eyes to more life-giving pursuits. Downloading Hinge has bewildered us, prompted serious self-reflection, and led us places we wouldn’t go with a gun.

If you’ve had Hinge longer than a month, we marvel at your tenacity.

If you aren’t familiar with how the app works, peace be with you, and allow us to introduce you! Similar to Tinder, Bumble, Seeking Arrangements, Raya, and Grindr, users can make profiles, overshare personal information, and “match” with all the other dorks looking for a romantic connection, or an instagram follow (@doilyallergen). Unlike Raya, users can and will screenshot your profile, and send it to everyone you know. Unlike Seeking Arrangements, everyone is broke.

Isn’t Hinge supposed to be better than Tinder? Not sure if anyone said that we might’ve made it up. Maybe saying “Hinge is a better version of Tinder” is like saying “Taylor Swift is a better lyricist than Gracie Abrams.” So maybe we just shouldn’t say anything at all.

Now, we don’t have much experience on the apps but it appears that Hinge hosts the most grammatically challenged users. If somebody not knowing the difference between your and you’re, or to, two, and too gets you going, Hinge is the app for you.

The voice notes, prompts, and captions have been very entertaining. What they lack in substance, they make up for in obscure anecdotes. In fact, we came up with one ourselves!

Two truths and a lie:
We once jousted with a rival newspaper outside #StuitHall during the 2020 Midwest Derecho.
We have 23 heads and 47 toes.
Everything we say is 100% true always and forever.

We triple dog dare you to guess. The winner gets our love.

Speaking of love, we’re heading into the month of February! Love is in the air, Wuthering Heights is coming out, and we’re gonna need all of you to Step. It. Up. If this challenge taught us anything, it’s that romance might be dead. But it’s our job to bring it back! We don’t need flowers and chocolate (dark chocolate if you insist), but we kinda want it! Go write a love letter. Talk to your class crush. Say hi to that stunningly gorgeous girl on T. Anne Cleary. Tell your situationship you love them. Break the silence in the Burge lobby by serenading someone on that damned piano. Bring back meet-cutes!!

This dry January (as it comes to an end), don’t feel guilty about indulging, feel guilty about being boring. It’s bad for your health!

The Doily Allergen does not encourage or endorse underage drinking. Please consume responsibly.