DSM-5: Top Five Mentally Ill People from the Des Moines Area

Currently taking applications for a sixth

As journalists, we’re always searching for the truth. And the truth is, everyone from Des Moines and the surrounding area is so off. Is there a brain-eating bacteria in Saylorville Lake? Is Governor Kim Reynolds secretly a Special Grade Cursed Spirit who wants to eradicate all of humanity and the State Capitol is her domain? What is in the food at Adventureland?

We here at The Doily Allergen did not want to do any anthropological fieldwork and instead immersed ourselves with people from the area to ask why they are the way that they are. Over the winter break, we traveled to the Des Moines area and sought out the cream of the crop!

In this article, we interview five of the most interesting individuals who we believe have a unique perspective to share about their experience growing up in Polk County (and Dallas County).

Lauren Albright, Altoona

It all started when my mom bought me an Adventureland day pass instead of dropping me off at daycare. A girl can only ride the A-Train so many times before she becomes sentient and starts thinking about the mundanity of life. I was there so often that I graduated to the Monster, but the thrill of being perpendicular to the ground wore off. Since then, it’s been an uphill battle in my brain. Literally. Life has since flipped me upside down and turned my insides out. I try to find the thrill in the people I meet, but no one knows me more than Bernie Bernard. He has been a comfort to me more than my own father.

Barry Baccam, Des Moines

As the son of Southeast Asian immigrants the pressures of being a perfect son are hard, especially when they don’t know what mental health is. I have the attention span of a squirrel. I have lost three MacBooks and had to get them replaced on my parents’ coin. I’m a mess. My parents don’t know that I accidentally shipped their Christmas gifts to my old residence hall over break at the dorm, so instead of disappointing them and telling them the truth I just told them I would be working and not coming home. They think Vyvanse is the insurance company I intern for. Close enough, I guess.

Eugene Banter, Des Moines

I grew up in the Waveland Park area. Specifically the South of Grand neighborhood. In case you were wondering. I commute to Drake University, and I think I’m a Business Major. I spend most of my time checking Snap Maps to see when my former classmates are back in town. As soon as they return, I swoop in with my patented moves. I’ve perfected my half-face snap, triple snap, and typing in the chat when I don’t get an immediate response. Some might call this “obsessive” or “stalking” but the guys in my frat do it all the time. It’s not easy balancing my Snapchat communications and school, but I’ve maintained a 1.9 GPA and a 16-hour screen time average.

Sam “The Hunk” Slater, Waukee

Well I’d like to start off by sharing that there’s nothing wrong with me. That’s why you guys wanted to interview me, right? I’ve been perfect since high school, honestly. Third string quarterback, C-team soccer player, Superfan all six years, and homecoming royalty. I love re-living my glory days by returning to my high school, interrupting class time, and offering my expertise to the lowerclassmen.

Emma Marie White, West Des Moines

I was an intern for the Iowa Senate Republicans and am currently working with the university and Marianette Miller-Meeks to establish the School of Intellectual Freedom. Outside of politics, I enjoy kidnapping and torturing the birds in the Jordan Creek Mall and watching movies. Now I’m at UIowa double-majoring in Poli Sci and Cinema. I’ve never felt more isolated and oppressed in my life, and have had severe anxiety attacks when presenting my short films inspired by Gallo and Griffith. Still, I know being a woman in conservative media is so important.

Well that was quite the investigation! In conclusion, some of you Des Moines area residents should be put on a list! Stay tuned for our future article, “ICD-11: Top 11 Diseased People from Iowa City,” where we interview eleven of the most chronically ill and diseased people in the Iowa City area.