'Easier to Shake': Campus Mormons Endorse Twin XL Beds

Adapting to the layout of a dorm bedroom can be stressful. From moving one’s entire wardrobe into a three-drawered dresser to figuring out where to store shower shoes when not using them, there are a lot of factors to take into consideration.

Luckily, according to the University of Iowa Mormons Association (IMA), your bed does not need to be a point of concern: “We’re kind of experts on beds here,” says organization president Chuck Abernathe, who claims to speak for all Mormons everywhere. “Everyone knows that the ‘latter day’ in the phrase Latter Day Saints means later in the day, or bedtime.”

When asked about the dorm beds, Abernathe had quite a few opinions.

“Oh, they’re absolutely luscious. Sturdy and can hold plenty of weight, but easier to shake than a lot of other beds on the market. Perfect for soaking.”

Soaking is an ancient and sacred Mormon practice, passed down from the great Joseph Smith himself. It is intended to be practiced between a man, a woman, and a really open-minded friend.

“The shaking of the bed is an absolute must. It’s what separates the ritual from simple lechercraft. The Twin XL is the perfect size for this. The skinny width allows you to cuddle up nice and close with your lady friend, and the absurd length gives the shaker plenty of room to work with. My roommate does this for us all the time.”

Abernathe’s roommate, when pressed for comment, kept his response brief:

“It beats the chair.”