Elray’s Cracks Down on Groping, Goes Out of Business

The beloved Iowa City institution Elray’s Live & Dive has fallen to the wayside shortly after instituting a strict “no groping” policy.

In an effort to curb ass-grabbing and other semi-sexual, dubiously-consensual tomfoolery, the tavern announced that it would be banning any form of intersex contact on all three of its dance floors.

Drawing inspiration from Planet Fitness’ Lunk Alarm, any Elray’s staff member who witnesses fondling, hanky panky, or acts of debauchery is now required to set off the newly minted, patent-incoming “Grind Guard.” Once pressed, all lights in the establishment are restored to full brightness, the music is lowered, and the perpetrator will be quickly escorted off the premises.

Shockingly, Elray’s patrons have not been keen on this new policy.

Oliva Martin, a “22”-year-old freshman, shared her frustrations about the new policy: “It’s just like… I’m in my shortest pleather skirt, tallest knee-high boots, and skimpiest going-out top for a reason. I’m not here to leave room for the holy spirit. If I wanted to go somewhere lame, I’d save myself the cover and just go to Hazzards.”

Martin is not alone in her aversion to the new rules. Lines that once snaked down Iowa Avenue have vanished, and the bar’s patronage has plummeted nearly 84% since the Grind Guard’s debut.

“It’s just a real shame. I really found my calling here,” Elray’s bouncer and 5th-year-undergraduate Chad Smith confided to a DA reporter. “Stamping semi-permanent Rorschach inkblots onto the back of drunk teenagers’ hands is kind of, like, the only thing I’m good at.”

Smith, who usually goes through two to three ink pads a night, has been using the same one for the past week.

Sadly, Elray’s Live & Dive was forced to officially close this past weekend after 30 years of service to Iowa City’s finest and least-finest citizens alike. It will be missed by many, remembered fondly by most, and remembered accurately by almost none.

Chad Smith, for his part, has not taken the news well. He was last seen sitting alone at Summit on a Monday, nursing a $4 well vodka red bull, and stamping the back of his own hand. The ink pad, sources confirm, is still going.