Evil Bitch Secures Summer Internship

It’s finally that time of year- trying to secure a summer internship!

Securing a summer internship is a rite of passage that every college student must go through. You’ve taken your mandatory business professionalism course, you’ve talked to recruiters at the all-majors career fair, and you’ve connected with your mom on LinkedIn.

You’re ready to start building the foundation for a solid career after college, hopefully one that even remotely aligns with your major and your general interests. But every college student knows what REALLY matters when it comes to securing a summer internship: getting the coolest, highest paying, most prestigious job to absolutely dunk on your chud peers.

As we are all finally entering the world of adulthood, it’s interesting to see what career paths the people you grew up with go down. Little Timmy, who lived across the street from you, is now a finance bro working for his dad’s accounting firm, the girl you had a crush on in middle school is studying botany to grow a ton of weed, and the dumbest guy you knew in high school English is studying to become a brain surgeon.

However, the worst part of seeing people get internships is when you are still waiting to hear back from the 20 you applied to, and all of a sudden, an evil bitch announces they secured one in February.

Like, why is your high school bully becoming a nurse? Can she be trusted? That succubus is the reincarnation of MacKenzie from Dork Diaries, and I do NOT want her digging around in my veins in the future.

Even worse, there’s this girl in your class with a million stickers on her laptop that she just bought off of Amazon. She has the Bible verse 1 Timothy 4:12 in her Instagram bio: “Do not let anyone look down on you because you are young, but be an example for the believers in your speech, your conduct, your love, faith, and purity.” Some of her hobbies include listening to Alex Warren, catching up with the latest episode of AI Fruit Love Island, and calling the nonbinary Starbucks barista who just made her coffee homophobic slurs. She is also soooooo happy to be interning at BlackRock this summer and is so grateful for this opportunity the Lord has granted her!

Don’t be fooled, these evil bitches exist in every sphere imaginable. That one girl in your local community theatre just announced she’s spending the summer in New York City to take PRIVATE dance lessons with Bob Fosse’s long-lost nephew. She’s convinced a scout noticed her from her role as the witch in Into the Woods (she clearly outshone her fellow castmates, who were all 9 years old).

Last but not least, remember that girl from elementary school who claimed that wild animals just had a special connection with her that no one else had? She went to community college to become a veterinarian, but she gave up on that the moment she realized she actually had to learn how to do things like shove your arm up a cow to help it give birth. Now, she’s happy to announce that she’s accepted a summer internship at the local PETA animal shelter as a euthanasia and legal injection trainee!

Why are so many evil bitches securing internships before me, you might be asking yourself? Fear not, dear reader, because most of this probably won’t matter once you graduate.

And, hey, maybe you are that evil bitch securing a summer internship! And there’s nothing wrong with that, it’s evil bitch summer. Just please, please, please don’t post about it on LinkedIn; no one actually cares, and anyone who unironically engages with those posts is already lost in the sea of corporate jobslop.