FACT: 80% of Men Just Ate Shit on Their Bike

“Ouchieeeeee,” says man

Men love to ride their little two-wheel ego boosters around campus, and even more so, they love to act like they’re really good at it. However, due to a recent report from BikeCurious Statistics, 80% of men, just now, and I mean mere moments prior to this very instant, fell off their bike in a truly mortifying and emasculating manner. Don’t let a confident expression fool you. In fact, the more smug the expression on the man’s face, the more recently eating shit on their bike occurred.

Some men challenge this statistic, saying they “walk to class” or “don’t even own a bike”. These claims sound suspiciously like something someone who just ate shit on their bike would say.

Philosophy junior Willy Sholl was, according to BikeCurious, one of the men to most recently crash on his bike on the way to the Hawk Lot. However, Sholl argued that the incident was unobserved by others: “If a man falls off his bike and no one is around to see it, does it make a sound?” Doily interviewers promptly kicked him in the already-scraped shins for being annoying.

We managed to catch footage of sophomore Billiam Bhultz eating mad shit in front of the engineering building. In the post-wipe-out interview, Bhultz stated: “I thought no one saw that.” He then proceeded to forcibly take our camera equipment and destroy the SD card with the footage on it. Bhultz, if you’re reading this, we also recorded it on one of our phones, and we’re not above blackmailing. Please pay us back for the SD card. Please. We’re sorry we kicked your friend Willy.