FACT: Professors Are Planning Their Assignments to Inconvenience YOU Specifically
Yes, You. The Reader. Specifically.
Late at night, while you’re working one of your multiple jobs to make rent, attempting to organize the student org your manage to run, or avoiding your ex-situationship at the bars while trying to get a moment of reprieve from your hell of a schedule, your professors are arranging a clandestine meeting to discuss how to better inconvenience you, specifically. You: the person scrolling through Instagram right fucking now¹.
When the sun has finally set, the professors make their ways from various spots all over campus, careful not to be spotted by any wandering student eyes when they arrive at their meeting to discuss inconveniencing you specifically. The students wouldn’t get it. Nobody would. These machinations are far beyond the ken of any non-academic mind. They’d think it’s immoral; they’d think it’s cruel; they think it’s targeted.
It is. But streets² say that’s not the point. It’s more than that. It’s evil.
Surprise! Your sinister professors are determined to inconvenience you and your academic career specifically by any means necessary, and the easiest way to do this is by completely rearranging your schedule. Surprise! Papers from both of your writing centered classes are due on the same date. Surprise! You have an in-class exam 5 minutes after our scheduled, required office hours meeting. Surprise! The special talk with an expert in your field is scheduled for the same time as a class you’d rather skip, but you’ve already reached the maximum number of skips for that class without completely tanking your grade by a whole letter, so you have to miss this crazy opportunity you’ve been waiting all semester for because you don’t want to have to explain to your deeply academic focused parents that the reason your GPA dropped is because you kept skipping class; because you know that all they want is success for you and the level of shame you’d get from just the silence over the phone would make your stomach turn and palms sweat. You let them down. You let your future children down. You let the world down.
These mocking profs will laugh and cheer at the thought of the stress on your face taking years off your life. Even the TAs! Don’t let a seemingly genuine personality fool you: they’re all secretly³ sinister and looking to inconvenience you specifically. Nevermind that they also have been in your shoes at one point in their life. It’s all a sham, and it goes all the way to the top. Trust us.
They know it’s Tax Day, too. You think they forgot? No! They’re looking to inconvenience you specifically! They want you to be in the cutthroat workhorse zone the day you’re supposed to give your money back to a decaying government. They want to leave you scrambling to make shit up as we are halfway into the last full month of the spring semester.
Yes, your professors are looking to inconvenience you specifically. The major you chose? The classes you picked? Wrong, all wrong. The glass? Completely empty. You should have gone into a trade. Maybe then you could be inconvenienced by your employer in a moderately well-paying job, instead.
¹ Or our Substack, if you’re nasty.
² Clinton and E Burlington Street, specifically.
³ Amount of secrecy varies.