Questions. Comments. Concerns. We all have them, but only a notorious few put them on display for all to see. Image carousels on televisions serve as dystopic reminders that crazed dining hall fanatics, those who NEED to see the return of meatless chicken nuggets at Hillcrest—they walk among us. They’re a stealthy band, and, as it turns out, in demand.
Once a thriving, enthusiastic fanbase for Torani syrups and vegan options, reply boards across campus began to shift their rhetoric this semester. Here are just a few of the concerning messages:
“Burge options for ppl who don’t need to chew their food???”
“Hey guys – nutritional mists coming when? Some of us metabolize via spore”
“How many different mouths should the meal plans cover?”
The abduction of the Brain Rock, covert Hubbard Park gatherings by candlelight, other strange happenings—all well-foreshadowed through the iconic question/response format. How, for example, could anyone have guessed that mysterious rays would beam from the windows of Currier? Certainly not one Burge responder, whose “you can take green to-go boxes ANYWHERE. With ANY combination of delicious Marketplace options. Happy Friday!” seemed completely innocuous at the time.
Our hard-working investigative journalists have concluded that this strange behavior appears to be the result of a covert hiring initiative through the Federal Bureau of Investigation’s Youth Outreach program. Its intention? Unknown. Its effect? Enormous. Organizations all over campus, particularly those associated with Housing and Dining, have lost upwards of 45% of their “roundest-headed” and “littlest, greenest, menliest” staff members.
The Doily Allergen has no affiliation with the Housing or Dining departments. No further questions.