Food for Thought Café Selling Adderall for Midterm Season

It’s that time of the year, folks, when not even copious amounts of caffeine can heal the scars on your heart. Fortunately, the Main Library is two steps ahead. Introducing the Adderall Initiative!

“Everyone has ADHD nowadays,” librarian Jeffery England says. “We might as well profit from their chemical imbalances!”

Whenever you buy a coffee that you have to add your own sugar and cream to unless you want to spend ten dollars, you get half off one half of a five milligram tablet of adderall. The total price of a single full tablet is between forty-five and three-hundred-and-seventy-two dollars, depending on the stock market.

“We have to remain competitive with the healthcare system,” England proclaims, unprompted. “And with the tariffs on China that probably has an impact too? Wanna hear my David Foster Wallace impression?”

No. We do not.

Unfortunately, it hasn’t been all sunshine and roses for the Café. Almost immediately baristas began to steal adderall and sell it. “I mean those prices are ridiculous,” drug dealer-extraordinaire Harry Gellington says. He requested his voice be warbled like in those crime documentaries. We informed him it’s not recorded, and he stormed out of the office, yelling about how we were “Done! Fired!”

Even more unfortunately, people quickly discovered that if they crush the adderall, perform the rite of Ba’al, and snort it, they can write twice as many words as if they took an adderall normally. Both drug dealers and Food for Thought are panicking as prices rise exponentially.

Worst of all, the so-called “adderall” is actually an antacid, according to Doily Chemist and Evil Scientist Franken Sciencestein. Well, at least your heart won’t burn too much during that two-hour test on Friday!