If you held a booth at this semester’s engagement fair, you might recognize this description: Young, nondescript, and remarkably Midwestern. But that wasn’t your poor capacity for facial recognition telling you that you’ve already spoken to that guy! No, indeed, the rumors you’ve been hearing are true! 18-year-old Nathan Farndexter from Glidden, Iowa has cloned himself to attend every single club he encountered at the engagement fair.
How, you might ask? Well, according to a press release from the Nathans’ collective Instagram account, Nathan spent his entire childhood aspiring to be more than just a person. In fact, he wanted to be two!
“I skipped school a lot to work on the cloning machine in the barn,” said one Nathan with a pin that said ‘Nathan Prime,’ “and initially it was really hard. I got really bad grades, and my mom banned me from reading my favorite doctoral-level scientific journals. But then I asked ChatGPT and suddenly it all made sense. Once I got the clones working, it got pretty easy.”
Indeed, the 151 Nathans have a bright future ahead of them! In fact, Nathan Prime showed us his 45-step plan to become university president, the entire Hawkeye football team, and Class of both 2026 and 2027 valedictorian, all by his junior year!
“It’s a lot of work, having clones,” Nathan Prime said. “Some people say that they’d get angry with me, betray me, demand some of the credit when I get all the glory, but actually we don’t have issues like that. See, before I cloned myself, I had this plan, and because my clones are all me, they know how to follow the plan. I lied before, actually—it’s really simple when you’re smart like me.”
We asked about the Nathans in the background dragging away what looked like a 6-foot duffel bag, but Nathan Prime(?) gave no comment.
Naturally, any scientific leap comes with its bumps in the road. Fraternities have been swarmed by Nathans attempting to join—so many that they can’t tie them all up in the basement and piss on them for initiation. University officials worry that all of the Nathans generating essays will crash Copilot, harming innocent students engaging in academic dishonesty. So-called human rights activists claim that Nathan’s clones “aren’t treated as people” and that “the presence of cloning science poses a significant risk to democratic institutions in the wrong hands,” but we wouldn’t trust them. They’re not clone rights activists, after all.
Despite the controversy around this student’s actions, we at The Doily Allergen fully support the natural rights of clones… to drop a like individually on every single one of our articles. Let’s get this one to 100, Nathans!
Update: We’ve learned that Nathan has founded the university’s second-ever newspaper—The Daily Nathan. Maybe we’ll finally get some more honest journalism on this campus for once.