Friend That Goes To A Liberal Arts School Sends Reminder That They’re Better Than You

You could’ve sworn this guy was dumb in high school. How the fuck did he get in there?

The following is an excerpt of a voicemail sent by St. Johncalaster-Wesleyan College (Stratford, NY) student Leopold Abernathy.

Hey best friend!! It’s been far too long! How’s… uhh… *ruffles notes* ahem. “Iowa City” treating you? Are your new classes hard? This trimester is going to kill me, I just know it… I’m having to take “Bruce Lee: His Life and Legacy” and “Unconventional Clay” at the same time.

Thankfully, my Bob Dylan elective only meets once a week which frees up a lot of time for my French Horn club meetings and volunteering at the arboretum. It’s looking like I’ll still be on pace to graduate a year early!

Anyways, enough about me. How about them Hawkeyes, right?! I heard you folks are really good at hitting the pigskin for a home run slam dunk! Go sportsball!

I’ve personally had the privilege of watching my institution’s squash team compete at Nationals this past month in Miami. I was classmates with one of the athletes in my freshman year Feminist Ceramics class! His father was a Team USA Bobsled Olympian so we named a building after him.

Someone coughed in the dining hall ratatouille so my entire junior class of 300 people is sick now. If this gets in the way of my Antarctica study abroad, I’m going to be ruined… Well just wanted to call to say I miss you and you’re poor and I love you okay thanks bye!!! *end tone*