Hancher To Become a Megachurch for Salt Co.

Beginning this fall, Hancher Auditorium will officially begin renovations to become a megachurch. Following many complaints of Salt Company’s normal meeting spot at Veritas Church in Tiffin, Iowa being “too far away to adequately share the gospel on campus,” Salt Co.’s University of Iowa chapter petitioned Hancher to convert to the word of Christ. Due to Hancher Auditorium’s low ticket sales in whatever they do over there (as it is a mystery to most on campus), they agreed to begin renovations and help Salt Co. make disciples of Jesus.

When asked about the renovations, UI President Barb Wilson responded, “What?” When informed of the renovations, she responded, “It’s about damn time,” and put her AirPod back in. Salt Company plans to utilize Hancher’s 1,800 seating capacity to show what it looks like to follow Jesus, whatever that means. They also plan to change Club Hancher into a multipurpose space in which they will continue to hold their “Connection Groups” and begin an end-of-life conversion program for desperate, sinful seniors.

While Salt Co. has been relatively secretive about their full plans for the space, we at the Doily Allergen are proud to support these renovations as we, like many in our current government, have no care for the arts. Similar to those in power, we believe that the arts are bad for society, as they cause joy, encourage thoughtful discussion, provide outlets for self-expression, and often spew radical ideologies like, “racism is bad.” Megachurches do good things like take your money, encourage mindless and unconditional idealization of those in power, and are, like, super cool. Have you seen that one megachurch with the onstage rollercoaster? There’s a reason art rhymes with fart.