HAWK ALERT: Barbara Wilson Spotted Doing Whippets in the Elray’s Alley

HAWK ALERT: University officials have received reports that some students saw University of Iowa President Barabara Wilson huffing whippets in the alley outside Elray’s Live & Dive.

According to one witness, the president allegedly met some juggalos in Alleycat, proceeded to get “wasted as fuck,” and then the group made their way up the alley outside, where the juggalos offered Wilson the whippets.

Whippets are nitrous oxide recreational inhalants that give users a brief high. Some may know that nitrous oxide is the same chemical formula used by dentists, also known as laughing gas. The inhalant is not to be confused with the whippet dog, which is a cute, elongated, dumbass-looking breed.

An unorganized group known as the Juggalos, hailing from Detroit, Michigan, are known for many things: dick-sucking competitions, drinking Faygo, donning clown makeup, murdering pedophiles, and, of course, huffing whippet after whippet until they “make it to Shangri-La.”

The University of Iowa does not endorse whippets and advises students to refuse if a clown offers up a steel canister no matter how cool and honestly pretty chill tbh that they may seem. If you spot anyone using illegal drugs, please report it to your nearest whippet (the dog, not the drug).