HAWK ALERT: Crime Reported Near Campus… Okay?...

This message includes information about a crime that was recently reported on or near the University of Iowa campus. The purpose of this email is to fill up your Outlook inbox with even more notifications.

Reports of an armed robbery, a stabbing, criminal mischief, general tomfoolery, and unidentifiable creatures roaming the Clinton and Washington area. Please avoid the area until Iowa City police deescalate the situation or make it infinitely worse.

Also, something may or may not have happened in an east side residence hall, but we’re not going to tell you anything else. We don’t really know what to do about it either, so I guess carry on as usual. Tell your friends who may be engaging in criminal activity to knock it off, buster!

We hope you found this Hawk Alert engaging, entertaining, informative, and useful. Or not, we don’t really care, and we know that you don’t either.