HAWK ALERT: Guys What Should We Write About
Join the Doily Allergen so you can tell us what to write about.
HAWK ALERT: We’re back, baybee! A few months ago, we declared that we had given up, that satire was impossible because of how ridiculously batshit this world has gone. Well la-dee-da, the world was always fucked up and crazy, and we ain’t gonna let some racist, rapist bygones at the head of our unfortunate government be the end of us.
Only one problem though… We still have no clue what to write about.
Seriously, the problem still stands. Yes, the world has always been bizarre, but you’ve gotta admit that this timeline is a little out there. It can honestly be really hard sometimes to come up with anything more absurd than… all of this.
So, we need some fresh voices. Some new brains, all mushy and organic and anti-AI, to come and do the thinking for us. Some new souls to enslave to the cause. Some fresh meat to lure out the satire beasts. Some new fungus to take over our nervous systems. In short, some folks to come in and reignite our capacity to make the strange world around us into something even stranger.
We need some new writers.
The lot of us suck, honestly. We’re godawful at this. You’d know if you ever read a single one of our articles. There is absolutely nothing of even the slightest bit of merit here. But still you keep coming back, suckling at our headlines like piglets at the teat. So why not join us? Why be the piglet when you could be the teat? Your fresh blood will bring fresh rivers of content to the masses.
Look out for the staff writer application. As soon as it’s open, we’ll let you know.
Of course, all of the above is under the pretense of us being a satirical publication, which, of course, we aren’t! We only report the cold, hard facts. The only student newspaper in the history of this esteemed institution would never lie to you. If you apply to us with satire, we will ban you from ever even glancing at our newspaper again, because you will have a mockery of this highest of callings. Truth above all.
See emergency.uiowa.edu for more.
(P.S. Our website looks different because the old one’s host was actively melting down our treasury to feed a genocidal state. Your popular and very well-known campaign, #DoilyDivest, succeeded! Congrats!)