HAWK ALERT: it’s spring break bitches!!!!!!!!

Get fucking hype.

Finally, spring break. Time for some much-needed R and R. There are so many options for vacation locations. If you want to drink, consider Florida. If you want some sun, consider Miami. If you want to go to Disney, consider Orlando. If you feel like your life has ended before it was able to begin, consider Ames.

What is the Doily up to during this beauteous week, you ask? Well, we’re glad you asked. Most of the Doily staff refused to share, stating, “Who’s writing this article? What? Who is that?” But a few did share!

MK will be tending to the sheep in a lonely valley at the edge of the world. Every night, they will hear screaming from the pasture, one high-pitched shriek after another. When they awake to check on their flock, nothing will look amiss, besides the embers of a small fire containing several human teeth.

Erin considered going to Florida, but instead opted for somewhere more local. Erin refused to elaborate. She mentioned something about my “walls” as she walked away.

Keegan needed money, so they contacted their close friend and confidant, Quentin Tarantino, in order to request to be a rich gangster like the ones in his movies. Quentin tried to explain that the movies weren’t real, and that even if they were real, Keegan would need to have handsome feet to be in his movie. Keegan replied that they thought the feet thing was just a joke. Quentin replied, quote, “Every fib has its kernel of truth, just as every kernel has a corn inside.” Quentin was very proud of this quote, and demanded we keep it in.

Katelyn decided to try the Around the World in Eighty Days thing but never read the book and heard from a friend that Forest Gump was based on that book, so she began running like Forest Gump. She figured she would listen to the audiobook on the way to the other side of the world, so she might as well start running. After completing the book and successfully running from Iowa City to Coralville, Katelyn decided she should book plane tickets to Florida.

We have not seen Dravin for months.

Have a good spring break at the University of Iowa, and remember, DO drink yourself into a stupor by the beach, because your liver will be dust and ashes one day anyway, and skin is barely even required for entry at most restaurants nowadays.