Health Students Release Bioweapon for Midterms
University officials confirmed this Thursday that an airborne bioweapon developed by students in the College of Public Health was unintentionally deployed during a midterm presentation. The project was originally intended to be a new antibacterial hand sanitizer.
“The students were tasked to biosynthesize a strain of Streptococcus,” said faculty advisor Dr. Edward Kim, “I have to admit that achieving weaponization somewhere along the way is impressive.” Dr. Kim was hospitalized shortly after speaking with us.
This new pathogen has been dubbed students as “Senioritis,” reportedly causing respiratory distress, fatigue and a sharp decline in motivation. Infected individuals have been observed lying on the Pentacrest and mumbling about “just needing one more break.”
Experts recommend seeking medical attention immediately upon exposure, however UI Student Health has stated that the situation is “under control.” In an update on the situation they clarified that “under control” means “confined to the general campus area.” The College of Public Health Building has been closed until further notice and remains “under review.”
“Everyone’s very excited about this innovation.” Senior public health major Lee Ray told us while in a hazmat suit. “I am just very appreciative seeing something we made having an impact outside the classroom. Especially something airborne!”
In a press conference this morning, the university commended the students for “pioneering new approaches to community health engagement.” Affected individuals from the class are reportedly receiving a complimentary T-Shirt reading ‘I Survived the UIowa Midterm Pathogen’ and an extra ten points toward their participation grade.
When asked whether disciplinary action would be taken, an associate dean for the college replied, “We don’t want to discourage student curiosity. Mistakes are how we learn after all.”
The student group received an A- for “innovation, execution, and measurable results.”