Hydraulics Lab Found to Just Be Playing Water Sort Game

This past Monday morning, a student at the University of Iowa reported a hydraulics lab for conducting a lab in an “irrelevant, childish way that is unhelpful to any engineering student taking their education seriously.” The Department Head of Engineering released a statement regarding the hydraulics lab:

What I observed in that classroom was nothing short of a supreme failure of judgment regarding who is equipped to teach the engineers of the future. I also now no longer believe in the engineers of the future after what I’ve witnessed. It’s over for engineering.

When I walked into the classroom, what I saw was disturbing. It was as if the professor put every student in a hypnotic trance. I saw students either mindlessly clicking away on their laptops, sorting different colored digital test tubes to make each tube one, solid color, or they were thumbing their physical water sort games up and down, up and down, up and down.

The physical water sort game that some of the students had was one of those ones you would see at a dentist’s office while you waited for your sister or brother to finish getting their teeth done. And when I walked in, nobody batted an eye at me–all twenty-two students just kept playing their games while the professor looked at me in horror as if she had just been caught committing murder.

When I attempted to speak to the students, none of them looked up at me. I said nothing to the professor, but I gave her a foul look, and she soon left. I stayed and observed the students: they were all terrible at both games. None of them, I mean, none of them could get the test tubes to be one, distinct color. And none of them could get the little balls in the water in their physical water sort game into the little half-circles. Over the hypnotized silence, the focused, unwavering eyes of the students, and the disappointment I had for the professor, the thing that was most appalling was the lack of intelligence in the room.

At the University of Iowa, we hold our students to certain standards, and despite popular belief, we do not accept every student who applies to the university. How these students were admitted to our institution is beyond me. The lack of intelligence is an insult and an attack on our institution.

As of now, I have expelled each student from the University of Iowa for displaying their inability to handle elementary-level coursework. Upon reviewing each student’s work for their classes, they were found to be using AI to complete almost every one of their assignments: this is how they were able to not drop out.

I have filed a complaint to University President Barbara Wilson to ask her to implement more effective methods of ensuring that AI is not used on any assignment at this institution ever again. I have also fired the professor, as she seems to have been the root cause of the problem, however, how exactly she caused this madness is unclear. We do not know the reason for her making these students next to or lower than troglodytes. She has been taken into custody for her crimes and is being questioned by the authorities. We hope this will all be resolved soon.

Yours Truly,

Daniel Argosof, Department Head of Engineering

He seems to be very mad at this discovery. What’s wrong with a little fun in the lab? If you disagree with the expulsion of the water sort students (as they have become popularly known), you can sign the petition to fire Daniel Argosof and get our students back on campus and back to their water sort game that they love to play so much. Down with the University of Iowa!