Iowa City Landlords Formally Nominated for Fourth Circle of Hell
The landlords of Iowa City were nominated for eternal torment in the layer designated for the greedy by every single person in Iowa City. Seriously, every single person we asked about this said a sheet of paper showed up on their door reading “CHOOSE ONE TO GO TO THE FOURTH CIRCLE OF HELL: a. Landlords, b. YAF, or c. Dance Marathon.” Unanimously, letter a was chosen
Landlords were surprisingly nonchalant about the situation. When asked about their carefree attitudes, they said, in one voice, “we can just buy our way into heaven. Suck on that, Martin Luther!” They then cackled as leathery wings protruded from their shoulder blades, and they shot into the air to return to their nightmarish fortress.
The final vote occurs next Sunday at churches around the city. While landlords cannot step into a church due to their inherent aversion to the cross, they have been known to leave gold coins on the steps with a note, reading, “from your friendly neighborhood landlord *winky face drawing* PS: Your rents going up teehee.”
Many are wondering what the next steps are after the nomination, and even more how soon the landlords can get down there. We know very little as to the process of who is chosen to go to hell, as Dante was only interested in shitting on people he didn’t like instead of uncovering the bureaucracy of the afterlife. However, we do know some of the punishments that may be awaiting them.
DRAGGING AROUND A BIG BAG OF GOLD: Kind of a Sisyphus knock off honestly; the condemned drags a large sack of gold, like a Santa Claus sack, of gold up a hill, only for it to get immeasurably heavier by the time they get to the top. Honestly, not super original.
RESIDENTS THROW STONES AT THE LANDLORDS IN THEIR DREAMS: Now this one is fun. As we know, dreams are interdimensional portals that blend reality in nonsensical ways. Using the complicated science behind this, Satan will have the residents of the landlords’ houses dream about stoning them to death, but for the landlords, it will actually be happening! That devil, he’s still got some tricks up his sleeve.
EATING FECES: This one crosses a line.
Hopefully, whoever is in charge of the damned will send the money-grubbing slum lords of the city down to their infernal place of belonging. Until then, the mice are going to keep nibbling at your eyelids, the sink is going to keep dripping, and that mold is going to gain sentience!