Iowa YAF Sponsors Grand Opening of IMU Chick-fil-A

And on the seventh day God ate no chicken

A new location of conservative Christian chicken corporation Chick-fil-A had its grand opening today at the Iowa Memorial Union, where it plans to serve all followers of Jesus the tender flesh of the blessed poultry, divinely deep-fried in the blood of Christ, until the day of the Second Coming—but not until the Lord Himself gets a chance to try their grub.

The event was proudly sponsored by the Iowa Young Americans for Freedom (YAF), which forbids its membership to eat at any establishment deemed “too woke,” such as Luna’s Tacos, Sumo, or Masala. (The connection between these examples is unclear.)

YAF spokesman Buffman Gaylord said in a statement to the press, “We at Iowa YAF are real men proud of our white and straight heritage, and therefore we’re honored to sponsor any establishment that bravely battles against the homosexual agenda. Please, if there’s any more homophobic food out there, we’d love to sponsor you. We’re literally on our knees begging to slurp up your delicious, delicious homophobic food. Please, Father, please, we’ll be good boys.” (It is further unclear what was meant by this.)

The event was met with protest from some members of the far left, however—but not for the reasons you might expect.

“I just don’t think Chick-fil-A has it in them to serve it the ocky way,” protester Tristan Chickensworth told us in an interview. “They’re just not ock-core, y’know? I have never seen them ockmaxxing.”

Meanwhile, local LGBTQIA+ rights group and restaurant industry workers’ association EAT (Everyone Accepts Taste) raised other concerns.

“We are of the opinion that this Chick-fil-A should have been an Auntie Anne’s instead, or perhaps a Bass Pro Shop. Iowa YAF and Homophobic Food, Inc. [Chick-fil-A’s parent company and a major YAF donor] do not represent the interests of Iowa City’s residents, who generally prefer to eat pretzels or fishing supplies, both of which are inherently gay, we think. We’ll get back to you on that one,” EAT wrote in a statement on social media.

As of now, the University of Iowa has made no announcement regarding protesters’ concerns. When asked directly, however, an anonymous university president associated with the institution uttered but three words: “We like money.”