Italian Program Resurrects Leonardo DaVinci in Desperate Bid for Survival

Corpses of Tsar Peter, W. E. B. Du Bois, and Aristotle Still at Large

Over spring break, the University of Iowa has become the center of an international scandal as the stolen corpse of Leonardo da Vinci, reported missing from the grounds of the Château d’Amboise months ago, has reappeared in Iowa City… alive! Italian professor Frederico Scupertino has claimed full responsibility for the incident, citing the Board of Regents decision to shut down the Italian major, along with multiple other programs, as his motive.

“We knew this was coming, so we made preparations,” Scupertino told our correspondent from his holding cell at ICPD, “We had to show the Board of Regent and university administration that our programs are relevant. How’s Leonardo for relevant, fuckwads?”

With Da Vinci’s reappearance, a string of famous historical corpse thefts have been linked to endangered University of Iowa majors, and the theft and resurrection of Da Vinci has been condemned by multiple foreign leaders, the Vatican, and President Wilson. Scupertino has thus far been uncooperative with the ongoing international investigation, claiming sole responsibility for the crimes despite significant evidence that he would have had to be in at least seven countries at once to pull off the string of grave robberies. Scupertino’s counsel, for their part, sees this as circumstantial evidence. “Dr. Scupertino, by means he has not yet disclosed, resurrected a man who has been dead for almost 500 years from bone fragments with a full body and intact memory. Cloning is certainly not out of the question.”

Da Vinci, for his part, has been greatly enjoying his time in Iowa City. Locals report seeing the Italian polymath frequenting the Main Library, Seamans Center, and Studio 13, accompanied by a dedicated group of Italian majors, who have been attempting to teach him basic English. His Instagram, @ilveroleonardo52, has accrued millions of followers since his reemergence, and, based on the amount of Italian-language exchanges on YikYak recently, his local presence has been significant.

“We’re really having trouble keeping him off the Internet sometimes,” Italian major and part-time Da Vinci attendant Julia DiMarzo told us, “All he wants to do is watch Gundam and robotics videos. We haven’t been able to explain the concept of AI to him, and he keeps getting angry and arguing with Google. Also, he keeps hitting on guys, and that’s fine, but it’s a little uncomfortable to translate those conversations for him.”

Overall, Scupertino’s gambit seems to have played out well. Support for the Italian program and “Big Leo” from the student body has been immense, and projections speculate 2000% growth in the major if allowed to continue into the next year. In a letter left on President Wilson’s doorstep, composed of cut-out magazine fragments, an unknown author promises “further resurrections” unless the Board of Regents denies the proposal to close the six threatened majors (African American studies; applied physics; classical languages; gender, women’s, and sexuality studies; Italian; and Russian). So, keep an eye out for antiquated figures speaking Russian, Ancient Greek, or advanced sociological thought in the coming weeks. You might just be looking at history.