Johnson County Combats Eepiness Epidemic With New Warm Blankie and Bedtime Policy
Scientists Blame the Epidemic on the UIowa Spring Semester.
After several cases of Eepiness were reported in the Johnson County area, public health officials have implemented a new “Warm Blankie and Bedtime Policy.” The policy states that every resident in the Johnson County area must warm their blankie thirty minutes before the county’s bedtime, which is now set at 10:00 p.m., effective immediately.
To make sure everyone can adhere to the new policy, Johnson County has provided free blankie warmers to every resident. Johnson County has also provided funding to the University of Iowa to build blankie warmers in every UIowa campus building. Public health officials say that they will be working hard to provide warm cookies and milk on sidewalks and inside buildings and buses.
Jenny Meower, more famously known as the Johnson County Cat Wrangler, has unleashed hundreds of her cats onto the streets for an amazing reason. The cats are to go around to any daytime napper they see and snuggle with them. Jenny says that she “just want[s] to do [her] part,” to prevent the epidemic from spreading even further.
To combat the Eepiness Epidemic, public health officials recommend—in addition to getting your Eepiness shot—taking regular naps and consuming copious amounts of caffeine.
Scientists predict that Eepiness cases will slow down in the middle of March. By June, the cases should be extremely rare to come by until Eepiness season comes around once again.