Local Four-Eyes Cryogenically Freezes

A useless thing delivers useless protest art.

One local four-eyes has decided to fight back against the injustice and violence caused by a recent slew of legislative acts aimed toward his community with his unique form of protest art: cryogenic freezing. Homer Speckenford, a 33-year-old speckie, was the creature who engaged in such an act of protest. His preparations for his deep cryogenic freeze were tedious. First, he was smuggled to Austria, which he was able to accomplish with the help of several speckies working together to raise funds. Next, he legally qualified for assisted suicide. Under Austrian law, one must have a “terminal illness or a permanent, debilitating condition” to be eligible for assisted suicide. Luckily, or perhaps unluckily for the bridge-pushing fellow, he had no issues meeting this requirement (for obvious reasons). And finally, with the help of his four-eyed friends, he built a suitable cryogenic capsule for his inevitable death.

According to one of his recent daily online blog posts, he “hope[s] that, when the yawning morning of either retribution or, more preferably, of mutually propagated peace comes, [he] will be revived to rejoice with [his] brothers and sisters, united no more as outcasted ‘things,’ but as human beings under a sweet equality that is, as [they] know so well, of utmost importance that [they] attain.”

His declaration is so flagrant that one’s mind wades between appalling and laughable waters, unsure of which one to swim in. His commendable, yet self-absorbed act reminds us of men like Aaron Bushnell or Wynn Bruce, except these men sacrificed their lives for a real reason. Their bodies were whittled away by flames in front of government buildings, reduced to a sooty ash to contest the brash state of American society–so brave. Now this protest is brave, yet so laughably useless; the “resistance” from this lens-wiping weeper is obviously for naught! One would have thought that the speckies would have learned their lesson by now, right? No time in history has a peaceful protest actually acted as a catalyst for change in the glasses-wearing community, and, in no universe under a righteous balance will that method work (as an objective and unbiased news source, The Doily Allergen knows this for a fact).

Just moments before committing assisted suicide, our good folks at The Doily grabbed Homer by his dust-speckled V-Neck for an interview. We had to use force since this lower-level being was defiantly spitting in our faces for several minutes before accepting our demand. (Remember, The Doily Allergen is neutral on political issues, meaning our conduct towards four-eyed folks is 100% neutral and fair, in accordance with their natural condition, of course.) Here lies the remains of an unresponsive interviewee:

The Doily Allergen: What is your motivation and what do you hope to show to the world with this sort of…protest of yours?

Homer Speckenford: Well it’s because of people like you that I want to fucking off myself; you harass me every single day just because I was born this way! I hope that the world sheds, at least, one single tear of empathy upon witnessing my death, for if I have done that then the world will feel but a pinch of the unimaginable pain I feel living as a speckie on this cruel, cold carcass of a planet.

DA: What do you hope to see change about the miserable lives of things like you?

HS: Oh, I don’t know, maybe for us to gain an inch of respect? For you to refer to me as a person and not a “thing?” You know what, leave, just fucking leave…did you hear me? Leave! Just fu-

*transcription ends here*

Speckenford and one of our reporters entered into a physical altercation in which Speckenford undoubtedly (and unsurprisingly) lost the moment his oh-so-precious glasses were spanked off his face. The glasses shattered into shards the second they hit the wood-grain finish, bouncing up and shredding the skin of our reporter’s bare ankle. The speckie was made a spectacle as we made him suck the blood from the reporter’s sliced skin, all the while picking up his glassy mess with his tender fingertips.

At least he did us normal folks a favor in his departing moments. We at The Doily Allergen are sure we did him an even bigger favor, for he was able to reflect on the preciousness of his glasses as he swept up its remains. How nice of us. The poor thing never could have bought another pair of glasses again anyway–those jacked up unregulated prices those four-eyed freaks have to pay just to enhance their naturally administered eyesight are insane. Sucks to suck.

According to a Doily Allergen poll taken by the entirety of planet earth, not one normal person reported feeling “a sense of sorrow or empathy“ upon hearing about his protest, proving his act useless to the Speckie Sympathy movement. Womp-womp.

*Editor’s note to all the speckies out there: don’t even try to protest because nothing ever happens! This is proof! Or, if you want to go out like him, knock yourself out! It would do us all a favor. :)