Local Four-Eyes Joins Alt-Center
Movement Claims to Support Speckie Rights, Eugenics
A political shakeup has taken place in the life of local sophomore and glasses-wearer Gordon “Glassy” Gerrymander (pronounced with a hard G, “like the 19th-century Governor Elbridge Gerry who gerrymandering was named after,” he insisted to us several times).
The longtime leftist who was raised by diehard conservatives has suffered much, ever since being prescribed glasses for his entirely mediocre vision. “All of a sudden I was being called ‘four-eyes’ and “speckie’ everywhere I went, as if that was the only thing about me that mattered,” he told The Doily Allergen in an interview.*
“I still feel uncomfortable saying those words. I mean, I never thought much about fou— I mean, glasses-wearers before, but I always did my best to be respectful toward them. But now I do say them, I guess. I get called them, so I might as well. And the worst part? It’s not just crazy right-wingers. Everyone is hateful toward me and my people. Hell, my old friends have even started calling me ‘Glassy,’ even though I really fucking hate it.”
Glassy explained that ever since becoming a speckie, he’s noticed that Democratic politicians, and even many Democratic voters, are just as likely as Republican politicians and voters to slur his accursed spectacles and attempt to ram him with their windshields as he walks around town. Because of this, he’s abandoned his old leanings in favor of a radical new movement that pundits have dubbed the “alt-center.”
Alt-centrists aim to unite both sides of the aisle by taking on many of the most radical beliefs of either party, as well as outright rejecting others. For instance, many alt-centrists purport to believe in trans liberation, the Great Replacement conspiracy theory, universal basic income, segregation, Palestinian sovereignty, abolishing the Nineteenth Amendment, and a whole host of other positions drawn from all across the political spectrum.
However, one notable stance against both sides that the alt-center has taken is their controversial take that four-eyes are not the scum of the earth and ought to be treated gracefully and with respect due to the fact that anyone, regardless of race, ethnic background, country of origin, sex, gender, sexuality, or political disposition, can become four-eyed at any time. Unless they’re too poor to afford glasses. Or unless they choose to righteously pretend like they don’t need glasses and continue to live among normal people. But the alt-center will never listen to such logical arguments, so committed are they to what they see as the cause.
“They really see the world as it is,” said Glassy. “They don’t have the biases of all you normies.”
He encourages all four-eyes to consider joining the alt-center, but also says he might go back to acting normal if anyone could recommend some contact lenses that won’t sting his eyes. If anyone wishes to get in touch with Glassy, you can reach him at theglasshaggler@glassmail.com. The Doily Allergen will also be notified so we can blacklist you for willingly interacting with a speckie.
*Editor’s Note: To clarify our esteemed and 100% unbiased journal’s official position, his status as a four-eyes is, in fact, the only thing about him that matters.