Local University Newspaper Sends Reporters to Iran

Perhaps an acronymed newspaper?

Just as Iranians nearly freed themselves from the Islamic Republic, the United States and its dom top, Israel, fearful that US citizens may take a page out of Iranian citizens’ book, decided to bomb the shit out of the entire country. The decision to direct missiles at Iranian civilians is part of a strategic plan to continue to demonize Muslim people by citing the fascist Islamic regime that they helped keep in power.

But there’s one question that the entire country is asking: What do Iowans think of this situation??? Eager to answer the cries of the people, a certain student-run newspaper at the University of Iowa, which we have not heard of before (but we’ve heard through the grapevine that it’s quite popular) has sent a small team of reporters to the front lines in hopes of finding a new, non-partisan take on the matter.

This publication, perhaps an acronymed newspaper, sent a politics reporter who doesn’t know how quotation marks work, a TV reporter who has the charisma of a fifth grader reading the morning weather report for his elementary school, and a cameraman who has taken one 1000-level production course and who misuses the word “verisimilitude.”

This scrappy team of underdogs parachuted into the debris-ridden streets of Tehran at 8 am Iran Standard Time. Unfortunately, the reporters couldn’t work up the courage to interview anyone, and the cameraman forgot to charge batteries the morning before, so they weren’t able to get any material on the situation, much to the dismay of every American citizen ever.

The team returned to Iowa City despondently and had to report to the editors of their newspaper (which our sources say is quite the riveting read) that thousands of dollars in university funds were wasted on their trip. Sympathetic of the team’s rough time in Iran, the university decided to send another quarter of the money it made off student tuition to the IDF.

“Although we didn’t get any sort of a fresh, non-partisan take on the situation in Iran—which we’re sure is a complex, difficult-to-understand state of affairs with antagonistic players on both sides, especially on the side of the terrorist Iranian citizens who want to destroy the great nation of Israel,” one of the reporters told The Doily Allergen, “we’re grateful that our harrowing journey to the war-torn wasteland known an Iran [pronounced eye-ran] can be used as fuel to fund more missiles to be launched at innocent children, and we’re excited to keep providing the City of Iowa City with accurate, non-partisan news. God bless Israel!”

We’re glad that this cute little newspaper—which we heard wants to report accurate news, but we were unable to find any examples—can have its fun, and we wish them the best in providing the citizens of Iowa City with the resources they need to form their own opinion on current events!