Math Professor Fired For Not Accepting “Jesus :)” For Every Answer On Quiz

Yep, you read that right! In a series of events similar to what happened at the University of Oklahoma last year, a UIowa math professor has been fired for refusing to accept answers like “Jesus :)” and “God is so good” as answers on a linear algebra exam.

Professor Ben Eigenjohnson was released by the university after failing the student, Katie Winkle, for not providing a numerical answer to a single question on the first quiz. Failing to complete simple row operations to convert a 3x3 matrix into reduced row echelon form, Winkle instead sought guidance from her savior (not her professor, who might have actually been able to help on the quiz).

When the Doily Allergen contacted Eigenjohnson for comment, he said: “Frankly, this is getting ridiculous. There was barely even any linear algebra on the quiz. This was a test of whether or not my students paid attention after the first week of classes, and also knew how to divide and add small numbers. I think even a business student could have passed the quiz if they got ten minutes of prior explanation. I just don’t get it.”

Winkle, on the other hand, had a different opinion. “God is sooooo good!” was basically all she said, twirling a lock of hair so bleached and fried that it fell apart when she touched it. “I know He is with me all the time in the face of this totally unfair religious discrimination! Linear algebra has nothing on me!” Sure thing, Katie! Whatever you say! (By the way, what’s 12/3?)

President Wilson, naturally, had nothing to say on the matter. Her office blocked us when we reached out for a statement, and the author of this article faces an academic review panel for daring to question her authority (and for getting an A in linear algebra, unlike Ms. Winkle). She may be expelled within the week.

Asking for eigenthoughts and eigenprayers, because apparently those work now!