Freshman Blob, 273 (combined age), formed this past Wednesday after Freshmen Frank “The Tank” Bower and Harrison Hazer let the party get “too sendy” in their Stanley dorm room.
After stumbling upon this record-breaking blob, an anonymous Stanley RA had this to say: “I mean, I’ve found bodies of five, six, seven, up to eight freshmen in dead melted blobs but I’ve never seen anything like this before…I even remember hearing a dying freshman’s last words one time he was like, ‘Nah, dude, it’s fine, party’s still going. Let’s get sendy.’ He shotgunned one last Cutwater and died.”
“And how did you go about reporting the blob after?”
“Oh, I just reported them for having alcohol in the dorm. I mean, usually if I don’t see it then it’s fine with me, but these guys had a whole bottle of Tito’s on top of their microwave when I walked in.”
Forensics say that further testing must be completed to confirm that only fifteen freshmen were involved in the freak accident. Here are the names of the identified freshmen in alphabetical order:
Blake Schottenheimer
Buster Dogelfin
Charles Sweetenhof
David Rodríguez
Eric Clapton
Ethan Rogers
Frank “The Tank” Bower
Gabe Barney
Harrison Hazer
Jackson Addison
James Sauerkraut
Marcus Morelli
Peter Nguyen
Richard McMahon
“Peein’” Ian Rothsman.
While this is certainly an exciting new record for most, some are taken aback by the loss of human life and condemn those who are celebrating. We reached out to the parents of the deceased freshmen; the mother of Frank “The Tank” Bower was willing to chat with us: “Get off of my porch you sick, twisted, disgusting, psycho fucks! My child is dead and [sniffling] you’re asking me these stupid fucking questions. Get out! I said get out!”
We knocked on her door again but to no avail. She flashed a middle finger through her living room window and closed the blinds.
While the exact causes of death are not confirmed, previous freak accidents similar to this can help us speculate the causes. This phenomenon typically occurs when three factors are present: first, freshmen must let too many people into their dorm. Second, the owners of the dorm must not have the gall to kick fellow freshmen out. Third, and finally, alcohol from an unreliable plug must be consumed by at least half of the freshmen present. When these three forces align, it is very likely that freshmen will melt into a blob, subsequently dying in the process.
The Doily Allergen thinks and prays for those affected by the traumatic loss of life caused by this unfortunate accident.