Obituary: Burge Pianist

As we’re sure you’ve heard by now, Preston Butters, better known as the Burge Pianist, was gunned down at approximately 3:00 PM by a disgruntled front desk worker. Is this the start of something wonderful or new for our dearly departed friend now that he has touched [the keys] for the last time?

We were able to interview the front desk worker, who was not arrested due to overwhelming support from the general public. One student told a police officer: “nah she real as fuck I was gonna do the same thing in about 5 minutes,” which sealed the deal for ICPD. All she said before diligently returning to logging packages was: “I cannot deal with this goddamn piano anymore. I’m going crazy.”

Butters, formerly 19, was a film student and youngest sibling of nine. In his free time, he liked to play the piano (seriously, that was all we could find about him) and probably do human activities like eat and sleep. While the UIowa community eagerly awaits the autopsy results, we here at the Doily Allergen can tell you firsthand that being shot 20 times in the face was probably what killed him.

This is a heartbreaking tragedy, and we can’t help but ask: is the city of stars shining just for Butters? When he gets to the great piano in the sky, what will he (fail to) play? Is it a video?

Is it a video? Is it a video…