Opinion: It’s Okay That You Only Got Up Today to See Your Class Crush

I woke up around noon this morning, only to get out of bed two hours later, finally feeling well rested from scrolling hundreds of Instagram reels and lying to my self-care app that I totally had breakfast and drank some water. Finally ready to take on the day, I looked in the mirror and asked myself: Is this the week I finally go to all of my classes without skipping?

The answer is yes, but not because it’s the last week of classes. It’s because of that sweet piece of eye candy in my 9:30 AM lecture who was sent down by the heavens to save my attendance grade.

At first, I rarely saw him in class, but I think we both skipped lectures until November when we realized we actually had to go. But I saw him once at a frat party during halloweekend. It was like love at first sight. The bright orange hue of his prison jumpsuit made his skin glow; the wifebeater perfectly complemented his biceps.

I could have taken a bite out of him right there if it weren’t for the dozens of drunk girls I saw throwing themselves all over him throughout the night. Oh, and he also took a hit off of my friend’s vape. I don’t really want to kiss someone who partakes in those sorts of activities, but I’m choosing to ignore it. It would ruin my fantasy of this douchey frat bro being secretly really sweet and loyal and also extremely woke. I don’t mind my homegirl hitting a vape though, so it’s okay, because I only be kissing her sometimes.

This fantasy of my class crush has been keeping me going since that fateful Halloween night. I’ve been so locked in on this one class, I wish there were beautiful men in all of my classes. Who knew that regularly attending the classes you paid for would help you pass, and all I needed to actually go was exploring the class menu of hotties? Sometimes, just waking up knowing I might see my crush gives me the dopamine rush I need to get all my work done. Sometimes, it works even better than my daily dose of Concerta.

It’s totally okay if you’re in the same boat as me and you also have a little class crush. I don’t care if it’s weird or parasocial: getting up to see a class crush has saved thousands of students from failing. “Oh, but what if I’m not single,” you might ask? Tape a photo of your partner to a seat or something. Do not let your partner get in the way of the class crush grindset.

I can sleep well at night, knowing I have experienced the joy and whimsy of kicking your feet and giggling and blushing while you type in the attendance code for Arts of Africa. Can’t a girl lock in and ace all of her finals, purely off of the knowledge that there’s a man in Iowa City who isn’t as unfortunate-looking as everyone else? If basing your entire GPA off of whether or not you can indulge in some eye candy in your classes is wrong, then I don’t want to be right.